The 9 categories of men who are postponing marriage

         Before I jump into this topic, I will provide the caveat that this was covered by request. The person who requested this topic wanted to know why so many men are postponing the marriage decision. While I am no expert, I have observed some general trends relating to my own demographic. Most single men will probably fall into one or more of the 9 categories below:

 

 1) The“scaredy” man – According to a survey done at my alma mater, the far and away #1 reason for marriage postponement was “the fear of making a mistake.” Singles (both men and women) are out there scared to death of marriage. The only safe approach is to run away from marriage all together.

         Some of the rest of the remaining categories in this post are drivers of either the fear of marriage or dating. It's not an easy decision to put yourself out there on the chopping block particularly if you've had your heart broken multiple times. Even more difficult is to make the decision that will have a ripple effect on the rest of your life particularly if you make the wrong choice i.e. to get married.

    

Recommendation: While it’s true that many marriages end up failing, there is no true growth while remaining stagnant in the single life. There is also no way to take away all the risks associated with getting married no matter how perfect a person you meet. The only things you can control are becoming the best you can be and not being foolish about ignoring the red flags of your future spouse. In the end, it’s really a “leap of faith” to make the marriage decision submitting yourself to your spouse's agency.

2) The“exhausted” man – In most of life’s endeavors, there is a correlation between effort and success. The harder you try the more success you find. That principle doesn’t necessarily apply in the dating world. In fact, trying too hard can be a detriment.

         Men sometimes come out of the proverbial gate enthusiastic and optimistic about dating, but over time as their relationships fall apart time and time again, these emotions get replaced by frustration and pessimism. Rather than subject themselves to more rejection, awkwardness, and humiliation, they’d rather sit on the sidelines where it is safe. I will quote Dr. Judith Sills on this topic:

Singles over the age of twenty five must often cope with the long-term scars left by painful romantic experiences...After a series of connections that somehow fail to come to fruition, people often feel a sense of personal failure, that whatever went wrong is their fault. And often, their response is to withdraw. They give up the attempt, retreating to their apartments, spending time in the safe world of close friends, diving into their work. They give up because the whole courtship ritual is too painful, too humiliating, too frustrating.

Recommendation: The sidelines are a nice, quiet, and safe environment to be, but the end result of sitting out is very predictable, namely a lifetime of remaining single. Thus, it really comes down to making a choice between the 100% certainty of remaining single by sitting on the sidelines or making an attempt to date, exposing yourself to rejection, failure, awkwardness and frustration, but possibly finding a suitable marriage opportunity that changes your life forever.

 

3) The “unwanted” men –Some men are largely unwanted by females, due to being some combination of physically unattractive, having an unattractive personality, being socially inept, or having an inability to support a family. There are hundreds of reasons why a man isn't dating or marriage material. Some women can’t put into words why they like a particular guy. A guy either has “it” or he doesn’t. “It” appears to be the total package of what she is looking for. She likes the guy if he has “it.”If she doesn’t think the guy has “it,” there could be a variety of reasons why.

        

          It’s easy to lose confidence in dating based on too many consecutive rejections and/or a track record of failure. One of the most well-known older LDS singles, Sheri Dew, said it this way from a women's perspective: "Whatever it is that attracts guys. I still haven't figured that out yet. You see all your friends getting married, every size and shape of friend gets married but you. It internalizes in you that there must be something defective in you...but at some point you have to come to terms with who you are in life…"

Recommendation: Being an unwanted marriage prospect now doesn't make that your final destiny. Some of the men unwanted by women are actually good potential husbands, but are eliminated consistently for superficial reasons. Figure out what those reasons are and fix whatever is within your control. Sometimes, it just takes an exhaustive search to find the 1 out of 100 that you have reciprocal feelings of affection for.

4) The “complacent” man – One of my friends had set himself up rather nicely during his single years. He found a room with free rent and had a company car at his disposal. His location allowed him to meet new women on a regular basis. His flexible job easily paid for his expenses plus allowed for discretionary income. The single life was quite comfortable for him. Other singles travel freely and buy frivilous things. I've heard countless times from other singles that "I'm happy being single" as an excuse to stop trying.

 

Recommendation: Despite my friend’s ideal life, he got married. Why? He wanted to grow up and become happier. Although being young and single can be pretty great, it's less appealing being old and single. And then there's the principle that marriage potentially brings about a higher level of happiness. In fact, Gordon B. Hinckley said it this way: “there is no greater happiness than is found in the most meaningful of all human relationships—the companionships of husband and wife and parents and children.”

5) The “worldly” man – Some men don't want to risk losing 1/2 their assets by getting married (thereby subjecting themselves to divorce) and find girlfriends that provide them similar benefits to marriage. They live a selfish life instead. They get rich, but don’t develop any long-term relationships. They will have their heart set on something like this rather than a life of sacrifice for a future family:

 

Recommendation: Being single and obtaining wealth is a trajectory that a man can decide to take. He can get the biggest house, the nicest car, and have the most toys, but what kind of life is that really? His friends will someday be playing with their kids and grandkids, while the selfish guy will be by himself in a nursing home. That may be a little harsh and maybe even hyperbolic, but there is some truth to it.

6) The “unrealistic” man – Many men don’t have a handle on what they have to offer compared to those they are chasing. This can be a real challenge in the dating scene. If men's expectations exceed reality, it's going to be a debacle most of the time.

Recommendation: Some men spend a disproportionate amount of time thinking about the traits that we want in a spouse, yet it’s the characteristics that they actually possess that are going to attract someone that is high caliber. We should be obsessing about self-improvement over just making a long list of demands that are unrealistic compared to what we have to offer. Most picky people are trying to attract other picky people, so the scrutiny goes both ways. 


7) The eternal “shopper” man – Men in demand struggle to narrow down their options always believing there is a bigger and better deal around the corner. This mentality is compounded by being able to get dates online, so even if all the local options dry up they can contact women in other areas. It's tough to force the music to stop when you have an endless stream of dating opportunities. Instead of focusing on moving forward, they eliminate each woman for trivial reasons and play the field endlessly. 

Recommendation: It's going to be tough to move forward in a relationship until the day a man decides that the woman he's going to marry will be imperfect. The truth is the bigger, better deal isn't really out there. Once that realization hits, the decision needs to be made to give each woman a legitimate chance and stop eliminating them for trivial reasons.  

8) The non-apparent “issues” man – Some men don't think they are suitable for marriage even though outwardly women want them. This could be a lack of confidence to support a family, having issues that aren't seen by women (addictions, health problems, being deep in debt, or having skeletons in their closet). These issues are going to be a tough sell, so some men just stop trying knowing that eventually the issue will be revealed. These men won't have signs on their foreheads that detail their issues like this guy:

 

 

Recommendation: Everybody has issues. Many issues are actually more easily resolved married than while single. Although some issues are really hard to gain acceptance for, we won't know unless we try. It's amazing what people will accept if they enjoy our companionship.

9) The “no dating skills” man – some men don't know how to date effectively. Even if they have a lot to offer, they can come across poorly and women walk away in droves. There are so many verbal and non-verbal signals that are sent on dates that men need to understand what they are projecting. If they can't confidently sell themselves, it will be challenging to attract a woman for the long haul.

 

Recommendation: Some men get lucky that they ask someone out who overlooks their dating skill deficiencies. Most men, however, should try and learn the basics of manners, etiquette, and conversation. That might push them far enough along to have a legitimate shot at getting into a relationship that could lead to marriage.

 

Conclusion: The reasons for men postponing marriage are usually complex and multi-faceted. Some of the reasons for postponement may be self inflicted, while other reasons are clearly outside their control. Each man is on a very personal journey, so whatever the reasons for his single status leave him to chart his own course.