In Defense of Singles

 

           Earlier this week, I read a very well written blog post outlining the challenges of being single beyond our ideal time frames. She noted that the wait can be especially exasperating when you belong to a religious organization that places such a heavy emphasis on marriage and family. Since I belong to the same religion as that blogger, I will add my thoughts to hers. 

           I agree with the blogger that our religion is very family oriented. Much of the discussion and lessons at church revolve around improving your marriage and raising your children. The default assumption is that the congregation is made up entirely of families or those who aspire to raise a family someday. As such, we are encouraged to get married and have children with quotes like this:

Honorable, happy, and successful marriage is surely the principal goal of every normal person. Marriage is perhaps the most vital of all the decisions and has the most far-reaching effects, for it has to do not only with immediate happiness, but also with eternal joys...Marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive. This is within the reach of every couple, every person. (Spencer W. Kimball)

         That quote touches on what is often emphasized in the church, which is that: 1) getting married should be a top priority, 2) it is the biggest decision we can make, and 3) that we won't reach the same level of happiness without it. From these principles, many young single adults feel significant pressure to marry as soon as possible AND to make the right decision. I should note that the church doesn't have an official stance about the timing of marriage, as its a matter of personal discretion. However, there is a long standing tradition of marrying young compared to the rest of the country (2 years younger on average) and there is a significant amount of social pressure to make it happen. You can see by the disposition of the previously mentioned blogger at the age of 26 that she is taking the matter very seriously. 

         A side effect of the emphasis on the importance of the decision is that it can create some trepidation about taking the "leap of faith" to the altar. I know of at least a few singles who hold firm to the philosophy of awaiting a "slam dunk" person to come along to make the marriage decision easier. When only imperfect candidates step up to the plate, these high standard singles just turn them away one by one hoping that someone better comes along. This may be a flawed approach, but it is their right to hold out.  
        I should point out that both the decision on the timing of getting married and the person you marry are deeply personal and subject only to your own stewardship. Nobody can get inspiration on your behalf about who to marry and nobody else will live with 100% of the consequences of your decision. That's why it's always a good idea to take advice received from others with a grain of salt. We are all on individual journeys in this lifetime and are entitled to make our own decisions.

          Marriage is also not a unilateral endeavor. Despite our best efforts to market ourselves, date regularly and make a solid presentation of our desirable attributes, we must find a person who we want to marry and who wants to marry us. We don't live in an era that allows us to hit our chosen mate over the head and drag them to the marital altar as shown in the cartoon below. That might have been acceptable in the Fred Flintstone era, but not today.

           This is an important point for both men and women. Men can propose to as many women as they want, but without an affirmative answer they will not get married. Likewise, women will not get married without a proposal from a guy they would not object to. We are at the mercy of someone else's agency.

           The point of mentioning this isn't to conclude that all singles are completely blameless for their marital status, because in many cases they deserve some of the blame. Nevertheless, at least a portion of the marriage decision is completely out of a single's control. Singles can obviously maximize whatever is in their control to increase their odds of marriage opportunities coming their way, but it isn't our job or within our stewardship to judge what a single is or isn't doing to help his or her own cause.

The Negative Cultural Stigma

        What the aforementioned blogger mentioned in her post is that there seems to be a negative cultural stigma towards singles who remain single into their late twenties and beyond. I agree with her on this point. There is an obvious disconnect between some married individuals and the older singles. The issue seems to be that some married individuals can't seem to fathom why singles are staying single beyond ideal time frames and feel the need to get to the bottom of why someone is still single. I've overheard conversations to that effect and have even been cornered at church to further their investigation.
        I have several issues with this. The most important issue is that it isn't any of their business and there's zero value in painting the walls with speculation all day long to get to the bottom of it. Secondly, it always involves limited information leading to bad assumptions. The worst assumption is usually that there is something inherently wrong with the single to be passed over time and time again. Finally, the conclusions drawn almost always are inaccurate and need to be thrown out for lack of support.
       Everybody has a unique journey including me. My journey has consisted of moving over 40 times across eight different states and another country since age 18. I'm not implying that this is the primary reason why I have remained single, but that is a contributing factor among several others. Of course, my default answer is that I blame my status on Cotton Eye Joe;)
        It can't be assumed that every person has been marketed to a hilt throughout their dating careers with no takers. It must be acknowledged that there is wide disparity in the levels of opportunities each person has AND there is wide stratification of innate characteristics that makes them harder or easier to market. For example, a 5'4" guy will have different opportunities than a 6'4" guy. There are a myriad of factors that impact our journey. The bottom line is that there isn't a level playing field making it impossible to make assumptions. 

What’s the difference between a married person and a single person?    

           The answer may surprise you that being married or being single is merely a status. How that status came to be is usually complicated and may or may not relay a larger story about a specific individual. In fact, I can’t draw a single stereotype that would encompass either all married couples or all single people. As such, I refuse to make blanket statements about an entire group of people linked together merely by having the same status.
         There are a few people I've come across who have opined that married people are generally better looking, more socially skilled, have more life satisfaction, have less major life issues, and are less neurotic than their single counterparts. I'm sure that this opinion is held by a minority, but it should be emphasized as the previous blogger mentioned that God doesn't judge us merely based on our marital status. These generalizations can't even be proven accurate in reality. According to at least one study singles are the same across the board on average in physical attractiveness, social skills, life satisfaction, neuroticism, and in other areas to their married peers. It's going to be a challenge to paint any group with a broad brush and expect to be accurate. 
          Marital status really doesn't allow me to draw any conclusions about the caliber of person someone is. Getting married is easy if you lower the bar far enough or sell yourself based on false pretenses, so just being married means very little to me. My viewpoint is that there is a mix of good, average and bad prospects among both the married and single demographics. Both groups are pretty diverse, so you’ll find people with a variety of different issues.

Recommendations

        What singles actually need from parents and peers is moral support rather than persuasion that marriage is a better life trajectory. Most singles I know want to get married, but are not particularly interested in getting married merely for the sake of getting married. For that reason, giving them the "marriage is so much more blissful than being single" talk isn't particularly effective. There is a measure of happiness to being single that trumps being in a bad marriage every day of the week, so the smart singles are going to be patient and wait for "a" right person to come along.
      Similarly, putting time pressure to marry is usually short-sighted. Time constraints will probably lead to a bad outcome, so the biggest encouragement needed from peers and family is to just keep trying. Being an older single is tough when you have a history of broken relationships leaving you with emotional and psychological baggage all acquired through dating. Furthermore, the outlook gets bleaker as the years pass. Of course, singles know deep down that those that continue to try are much more likely to reach the altar eventually.

Conclusion
         Even if singles and marrieds are on very different life paths that makes it hard to relate to each other, we should keep in mind that life is hard no matter what path you are on. We should be working collaboratively towards our common objectives and trying to lift each other up instead of identifying each other's flaws. All of us are imperfect and in need of a support system regardless of our marital status.